Young well educated (PhD level) CIS male. Interests include: martial arts, literature, languages, traveling, BDSM. This account is entirely dedicated to my sexuality, hence if you post/visit: 18+ please!
My new cum allowance
After some really hot rope predicament scenes at DO Winterfire - pics to follow once I get them - a certain someone and I agreed to start a D/s relationship. We’re both poly and for neither of us this is a primary relationship. But so far it seems to become a very fun one :)
Miss requested me to start keeping a journal on my feelings/thoughts about the things she has me do. The first rule I was subjected to was my cum allowance. She asked me how often I usually masturbate and I answered at least 2-3 times every day. Miss told me I am a dirty little whore and requested that from now on I only cum once every day. She told me that in the future she may choose to reduce my allowance and that she may have found a good way to discipline me. To be honest, only cuming once every day is hard for me, I can’t imagine not cuming at all for one day let alone several days. Despite this, I am very happy I have to do this, and so far I’ve been successful on staying on my allowance (its only day 2 though LOL).
I saved my allowance of yesterday until the last hour of the day. I was laying in bed and thought of a fantasy I’d been having for a while. I fantasized how I was being dragged naked by a leash and chained on all four limbs to a scaffold in an outdoor location like Ramblewood. In the center of the scaffold were stocks at kneeling height. Miss led me onto the scaffold, removed the shackles around my wrists and had me kneel and get into the stocks. She locked it with a very massive lock and got out what seemed to be a small jar. My cock was hard the entire time and Miss told me again what a filthy slut I was. Miss slapped my face and had me lick from the jar; as I tasted it I realized it was my own cum I produced when she had milked me earlier that day. While I licked and ate it Miss continued telling me what a filthy slut I was for enjoying this. After having eaten most of my cum in the jar Miss locked a really big open mouth gag on my head. She took her single tail whip and positioned herself behind me. At this point I noticed that a crowd had formed around the scaffold and I felt even more ashamed yet my cock remained very hard. Miss started hitting me with the whip on my butt and back. Gently at first but harder and harder afterwards. Through the gag I could still scream and it was only until my screams got really loud she stopped. I felt how Miss’ hand was stroking my hair. “Slut!,” she whispered in my ear. Suddenly I felt how a cold object – probably metal – was inserted into my anus. “I know how you like that you dirty little whore,” Miss said as she did that. Miss showed me a sign that read “Filthy slut” and hung it around my head. Miss took the jar and smeared what was left of my cum in my face. After that she came down the scaffold, got seated on a bench in front of it and enjoyed my public humiliation as passersby looked at me.
During the entire time while I was thinking of this fantasy while masturbating one thing Miss had told me kept going through my mind. As I received my cum allowance I had asked Miss why only once every day. I’m always curious and as I’m interested in how Miss takes care of my wellbeing I had dared to ask. She replied that it was mostly because from now on I should start getting used to the idea that I was not in control anymore. This response resonated in my mind over and over again and I loved it. Miss knows I’m a very greedy, bratty sub and attention slut with a big ego, and as such I’ll need someone who can sometimes give me some extra structure because I’m all over the place and a bit wild. I really enjoy the idea of having to obey someone, being called slut and whore several times a day, and the prospect of lots of (rope) bondage and humiliation. I think Miss knows exactly how to deal with something like me. :)
Agency and (rope) bondage
I always had and probably always will have a strong believe in human agency. From a social science perspective it implies that individual actions despite structural obstacles/givens can dramatically alter reality. The optimistic reading of this would be: “You can change the world if you want to.” (negative reading might be: “You can fuck things up big time.”)
As for explanations why I believe strongly in human agency two potential and complementary explanations come to mind. First, my own life experiences; despite the odds of my background and upbringing I managed to get highly educated and travel a lot. Personal initiative and of course sometimes other people believing in me were crucial. Second, coming from a social psychology perspective; being a TCK makes one less likely to willingly accept a situation/reality as it is as they were usually confronted with their lives dramatically changing without any choice in the matter at all. Having this kind of mindset also means that I think I can always change, fix, or improve things regardless of the obstacles. As a consequence situations in which I really can’t do anything to induce change are major origins of frustration for me; it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I usually hate it.
This brings me to bondage. One of the main attractions of being immobilized – especially in rope – for me is exactly that: the frustration or knowledge of knowing there is nothing one can do to get out of it even though my mind will continue to look for a way out. The one thing that drives me crazy outside of BDSM-setting is one of the things I crave in a BDSM setting.
Paraphrasing George Bernard Shaw’s “The reasonable wo/man adapts her/himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”: The reasonable rope-slut adapts him/herself to bondage; the unreasonable one will persist to get out of her/his ties.
Dynamic Suspension + officially teaching rope first time
Yesterday at DC Dungeon’s Fetfest Friday I had the opportunity to run the “rope-station” introducing potential rope enthusiasts to kinbaku and shibari bondage. I was pretty much busy until after midnight and it was a lot of fun to teach. I look forward to doing it again.
A bit after 1 AM the talented CurtisMercury did a more stressful dynamic suspension on me during which I spaced out a bit at various moments. It was the best, longest and most relaxing suspension experience I ever had :) Pics to follow
Yesterday’s Baltimore Rope Bite. Despite having one arm in a cast model Mya enjoyed the tying a lot. I am starting to focus a bit more on artistic use of rope. I think it would have been fairly easy to get out of this tie, but I was at least in part happy with the result.
I did a very tight chest harness on someone else later that night; tight as in the way I like it myself: very constraining. I topped the tie off with a forced bow and a blindfold and gag out of rope. The bottom in question spaced out a bit and got very relaxed; so I appear to be getting good at this. Still feel I suck at after care but my bottom didn’t notice.
The crazy gravity boot experiment - first results
At yesterday’s event at the DCD (DC Dungeon) there seemed to be an amazing low for rope people leaving the main rig relatively unused and open for an array of smaller experiments.
I decided to finally go through with the idea I had of suspending myself by one gravity boot and pulling my self up only with the force in my arms. The suspension point I used was not the hook of the mechanical pulley system yet instead the top of the woodframe close to the ceiling. This way I could ensure that the height would be sufficient for me (I’m 6’3)
It was by no means easy yet I managed to pull myself off the ground and hoist myself up and fully suspended dangling by one foot/ankle (although if not holding the rope my arms would probably still touch the floor). The main issue was tying off the rope; which will be the focus of the next try.
No pics this time
I had to take a cold shower after doing the final edit of this movie! Normally I cut out anything boring. In this case, there wasnt much to cut out, and this movie is 45 minutes of intense and sexy interaction. Chanta skillfully restrains Carly and gives her a delighful mix of pleasure and pain, which includes many hard orgasms for Carly.
Acceptance
It has been a bit over a week since a number of things developed I wish I could undo. The state I’m in now seems to be one of acceptance. Some of the things I realized that I am aware of:
1. I hurt a number of people I cared about. I already knew this, but I realized it will be something which will stick with me.
2. There are many people in and outside the scene that care about me and know I would never intentionally hurt anyone. This is good to know.
3. There may be no forgiveness which also means I won’t be able to forgive myself.
I am still not sure where I am. Although I may still have a lot of difficult moments, waking up in the middle of the night or struggling to get through the day, maybe it will be a bit more bearable.
Monster
It is always flattering if a gorgeous person takes interest in you. It is even more flattering if that person also wants to know about your darker sides without being afraid of what might be unveiled. I had known A for four months, she was one of the first people I was introduced to when entering the public scene. I think it was her kindness, her openness, and of course attractiveness both physically and intellectually that made me like her from the start.
I had been in a darker mood the week I saw her again. We briefly talked at a rope event and agreed to have brunch or something the day after. And so we met for brunch the next day. I was again flattered by the interest she took in me, her questions that gently forced me to introspection of my journey these past four months. One of the things I knew was that whenever I got like this – darker – is that my hunger for play got equally darker. I was open for deeper and meaner things to be done to me. The cathartic experience of a scene like that usually snaps me back out of that place and makes me feel better. It was a really long time ago we could talk this much and I appreciated all the advice she gave me: level headed, logical, sincere. After a walk through the Guilford area we ended up at my place. It was the first time she saw my room where we continued to talk.
At some point she asked me if I thought I was a good person. I hesitated. I thought about my boundless arrogance, my inflated ego, my greediness for attention, disconnectedness, and the feeling that I am somewhat artificial in my social behavior. I told her I was a bit of a monster for all of those reasons. Yet there was one more thing I told her which was maybe the real reason why I picked that description. I know what I did, and would be capable of to protect myself and those I love from intentional harm done by others for no reason except the perpetrators’ enjoyment and the idea that they can. An atavistic potential of aggression I harbor, born out of a need to protect myself a long time ago when I was small, defenseless, and pain was as common to me as the dawn. It rests in me like an army of terracotta warriors waiting for threats or attacks that seem unlikely to ever happen again. Not a force of impulse. It it’s the calculation, the cold bloodedness, and scorched earth tactics behind it which made me think of it as monstrous. A was not repulsed, nor scared; instead she seemed even more intrigued then before.
We started going through my toys. I had recently bought a new ballgag which was almost 2.5 inches in diameter. The thing did fit in my mouth but was still very big. Probably because of the mood I was in when I bought it “the bigger, the meaner” I thought. An open mouth gag of similar size unfortunately didn’t fit because it would have broken my teeth or jaw. For the same reason I bought the probably meanest nipple clamps I’d seen thus far. The insides of the unseemly plastic clamps were covered with a few dull teeth to grab on the nipples. For use the clamps needed to be locked in place effectively locking the nipples in between the teeth. To relieve the wearer pressure had to be applied to unlock them.
She had been wanting to tie me in a helpless position for a long time. The way I felt I was more than happy to be her willing victim. Nobody knew she was there, my roommates had left for the next few weeks, and I knew she might just leave me there: helpless, nude and in agony. Yet although part of my soul flirted with the intoxicating effect of that risk I trusted her to watch over me. At first she had me undress and pull a spandex hood over my head, after which she placed the enormous ballgag into my mouth and locked it on the back. I knelt in front of her as she made a picture of me. I got very excited by the thought that this image would be posted online, showing me as an object to be used for someone’s pleasure, which felt like an appropriate way to treat me. She tied my arms behind my back in a chest harness. I understood that because this was the first time she put rope on me she was careful not to go too tight. But as she started wrapping the jute loops around me I wished she’d go so much tighter and I wished she’d use even thinner rope on me. As she continued wrapping the ropes around my body I was lost in my head thinking of meaner ways to tie me. She ordered me to lie on the floor. I felt how the gag made me produce more and more drool and how I was unable to speak. A started wrapping loops around my legs effectively tying upper and lower legs together and then tying them closer to my chest. There only seemed to be one wrap around my right leg, yet it was pulled tight much more forcefully than all other wraps. I was lying on my side. A had put a pillow under my head. I pushed it away. Lying on the hard wood floor of my room, instead of on a pillow, felt so much more appropriate. Because of the increasing heat in the room A removed the spandex hood and instead blind folded me. I now found myself on my side on the floor, all limbs tied, my mouth gagged and my vision deprived from me. I felt very relax and safe. Her hands caressed my body and she told me what a good boy I was. I enjoyed my helplessness and the power she now had over me.
I suddenly felt how she moved something to my nipples. I wasn’t sure what it was. I had tried the mean clamps on myself and assumed it was that what was coming. The pain that was inflicted on my nipples was indeed equally painful, yet it was something else. I couldn’t help moaning from the intense pain it gave me. Through the moans I felt drool seeping out of my mouth which made me feel like a horrid slut, another strange feeling I enjoyed. As I tried to deal with the pain A continued comforting me, telling me what a good boy I was. She made a few pictures of the predicament I was in. After the tiny binder clips were removed, one of my nipples was bleeding. A took care of it and continued to enjoy my helpless body. The feeling of comfort was gradually taken over by the pain caused by the tighter wrap around my right leg. I felt how my right foot and lower leg were slowly going numb. It reminded me of how easy it is to cause predicament in rope bondage; just one very tight tie, or one limb pulled in a more painful position sufficed to slowly make a victim aware of its helplessness as the pain only increases. I moaned from under my gag, trying to move my right foot so A could see. She did and told me she’d turn me around and untie that leg. After untying my right leg A gently proceeded to remove the other ropes from my body.
After the ropes were gone I sat with my back leaning against her chest, her arms wrapped around my naked body. I thanked her for doing this to me, I needed it so much. There was a pretty nice rope mark on the right leg that was bound so tight. I felt relax, some of the darkness I had experienced the weeks before had cleared up. I had been tied, gagged, and blind folded on the floor for about half an hour. It didn’t take long and I was already thinking of being longer in a position like this, albeit in a more stressful position. A would want to tie me again in the future, and said how she would like to make me angry and frustrated while in bondage and how exciting this sight would be to her, and how she would love to awake the monster in me while trapped in ropes. As I was still getting out of space, my eyes closed, comforted by her, I was very fascinated by what she suggested.
One of my main activities sometimes - an analytic brain can be great, but sometimes sucks
(via soulflux)